All right, fine. It’s G.I. Joe. It’s a live action cartoon. Going with that, I can say Cobra was enjoyable to watch. Their machinations were ridiculous. Zartan, Destro, Cobra Commander, even Stormshadow — they were better enemies than the Decepticons. The only Joe worth liking for campy fun is Hawk. Dennis Quaid was great in his hamminess. Duke and Ripcord, the main characters in this one, sucked balls.

I think I wanted to like this movie more, for basic G.I. Joe campy fun. Transformers was already on its second movie and I already kinda knew sort of shit to expect. This one still could have been stupidly awesome, instead of stupidly bad.

For the sequel, keep the Cobra guys, they’re good for it. Hopefully they’ll find Flint and Lady Jaye, and we can forget about Duke and Ripcord. Or, you know, recast them. Whatever.

And next time, writers, campy fun is campy fun. But ice, even ice in a supposedly campy fun movie, STILL floats. You want awesome arctic destruction? You have the base sit on a submerged ice floe, held down by crazy large locks, which Cobra Commander then blows up to break up the ice and the base. The broken pieces of ice shoot up like missiles, and the base breaks apart and sinks down into the depths.

THAT would have been awesome.